Saturday, 11 September 2010

Classic disney films based on R movies.

Jungle book

The Disney Happy Ending:

The film follows Mowgli, a baby who winds up in the jungle and is befriended by talking predators. After avoiding the human world for years and spending most of his childhood being awesome in the jungle, Mowgli stumbles upon a village and is instantly smitten with some doe-eyed floozy. The girl bats an eyelash and Mowgli disappears into the village forever, living happily ever after with his own people and leaving Baloo the Bear and Bagheera the Panther in the dust. Roll credits!

The Original Ending:

The original "Jungle Book" was a short-story by Rudyard Kipling, a man with surprisingly little tolerance for anything resembling Disney bullshit.

In Kipling's version, when Mowgli decides to return to polite society, polite society isn't so certain it wants him back. The village Mowgli tries to return to in the short story re-banishes him to the wilderness, and the family that was kind enough to take him in gets tortured as sorcerers.

In response, Mowgli recruits Hathi the Elephant for help. But the thing is, the book's Hathi isn't the cuddly, forgetful old Major of the film.

No, he's a bloodthirsty, scarred old elephant who likes nothing more than seeking revenge on humans for an old wound he received in a spike pit. The "help" Mowgli gets from his old friend is in destroying the entire goddamned village. That's right. The lovable kid protagonist whose goofy antics you grew up laughing at recruits his elephant friend to, along with Bagheera and a bunch of wolves, storm in and raze the freaking village to the ground.
All the houses get stomped into dust, supplies are destroyed, the wolves chase away the cattle and good old Bagheera kills the horses. Damn, we're thinking this franchise is due for a gritty

The little mermaid

The Disney Happy Ending:

After an entire movie of trying to turn from a mermaid into a human girl so she can marry a prince, things aren't looking good for Ariel. Due to cunning contractual stipulations, the evil witch Ursula winds up with Ariel and Triton's magical crown and trident.

Springing into action for the first time in the entire movie, Prince Eric drives a ship's broken bow right into her stomach, like that time we attempted to use chopsticks at a sushi bar. The day is saved, the crown is restored and Ariel gets to marry her prince as the unicorn of happiness explodes into gooey rainbows.

The Original Ending:

After having her tail split in two by the evil sea witch's potion, the mermaid goes upon land and proceeds to bleed absolutely everywhere.

The prince, finding this delightfully amusing, commands her to dance for him while she grins and bears the excruciating pain.

Afterward, the mermaid finds out that the Prince is to marry another woman, and that if he does so she will dissolve into sea foam, but all can be saved if she can somehow persuade the Prince that she was the one who saved him from drowning. But she doesn't, and he gets married anyway. The sea witch tells the mermaid that in order for her to survive, she must kill him.

Instead of descending upon his sleeping body with an X-Acto knife, she instead chooses to believe in the power of love.

Unfortunately, this does the complete opposite of "work," and the mermaid dissolves. And since mermaids don't have souls (at least according to Hans Christian Andersen), she has to do 300 years of good deeds in order to earn one, only every time a child cries, she has to do an extra day for each teardrop.

The Fox and the Hound: Everybody Dies (Again)

The Disney Happy Ending:

Despite it being a story of unlikely friendships and insurmountable obstacles, Disney nevertheless finds room in The Fox and the Hound for a happy ending and a kickass bear fighting sequence.

The scene ends with Copper the Hound protecting his childhood friend Todd the Fox from his master, achieving a mutual respect and understanding between species. Todd settles down with a vixen and Copper goes on with his life as a working dog, presumably ripping apart foxes he didn't grow up with.

And eating cat poop from the litter box.

The Original Ending:

Daniel P. Mannix, the author of the original story, probably hadn't met a child before writing The Fox and the Hound. In his version, the Hound is a bloodthirsty killer out for revenge against the Fox for the accidental death of another hound on a previous hunt. Once he discovers the Fox's lair, his master proceeds to gas the hell out of it, killing both the vixen and her cubs. At this point, the author obviously didn't think the book was depressing enough, so he threw some rabies into the mix, and then a child dies from an infected bite.

Not the obvious choice for a children's film.

The story reaches its climax with a chase longer than the one in The Matrix Reloaded in which Todd the Fox collapses and dies of exhaustion. The Hound and the Master go home to celebrate, a term which here means "the master shoots the hound in the face and then gets sent to a rest home."

And they all lived happily ever after.

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  1. Very cool blog!
    Nice i like it Supportin & follow you!

  2. Snow white is a bitch.


  3. Love Cracked!

    Disney certainly sugar-coated, didn't they?

  4. cool, thanks for the information!

  5. very deep!! Like this blog!

  6. Love this article, love Cracked! NICE!

  7. thats awesome and messed up.

  8. Oh god, reading that sure was awesome. LOL

  9. Supportin

  10. epic, I didn't know they came from such cool stories originally.